It started with a simulated wink

The game has begun, ladies and gentlemen.

The profile is live. HOO YAH. And so am I.

So, there are many ways to do this. You can search for your one true Love, with a wide or narrow field as you like. You can stipulate that you want a 5’4’’, red-haired, blue-eyed, athletic librarian who likes cooking, wants 3 kids, has never been married….and so on… There’s almost no end to it. You can literally narrow it down to one person. But where would be the fun in that?

So you could do what I do and search for ‘women’. The results are surprising.

The other option is to trust Match.com. They send you an email every day with brand new ‘matches’. This is rated in percentage. I assume they only send people who match you 65% or so or more. I will date anyone who Match.com matches me 90% or more. That’s a promise. In their hands, my heart. Opposites don’t attract in this world, buddy. My top match today only rated 77%. Which seems high but it didn’t take me long to think about the 23% of this woman that I already know that I don’t want or like. That’s like both her arms and half a leg. I couldn’t do this to myself.

Or. My personal favourite. Sit about in your pants and wait for those lovely ladies to contact you. And, whaddyaknow, they only bloody well have. You’ve got two options when you find someone you fancy the look/style (mainly look) of. You can ‘wink’ at them, which is much like a Facebook post. I have been winked at by a few people but am uncertain how to react. What’s the etiquette when it comes to winking? Do I wink back? This runs the danger of turning into a frenzy of back and forth winking, like two strangers in a sandstorm. Or email them? This is the other option, you can email your potential Love. This is very forward. Isn’t it?

I have received three emails (the saucy wenches).

One merely pointed out that I like cricket. NICE ONE, COLUMBO. It only says that on my profile. I know, I know, she’s initiating a ‘hey, you like cricket, I like cricket, this could work’ thing. But telling me things I already know about myself is a major turn-off for me. My ex did this a lot - ‘you’re a narrow-minded sociopath’, ‘you’re crying', ‘you’re hurting me, let go’. That kind of thing. I have emailed Mrs Cricket back. Doing it was the same feeling as picking a nice juicy scab off your elbow - i.e. stupid.

The second two were very surprising. Mrs Cricket is 25, that’s expected, as I am 26. The other two are 34 and 35 respectively. I went into this thing moaning and moaning and moaning about how women like older men. And I get this thrown in my face. Typical.

One of them is also a Japanese divorced single mother who works in banking. I mean, I pretty much have to date her, right? I really don’t want to. But I might, just for YOU.

One more thing for today - whilst searching profiles I have seen so many women who have stipulated that their potential partner must be earning £50k+, 75k+ and even £100k+. Wow. I haven’t searched the men but I assume it’s the same on that side. THERE’S A CREDIT CRUNCH ON, YOU FLAPPING TWERPS. Some people.

I have set myself the target of arranging 5 dates with 5 different people by 29th May. Not go on the dates, just arrange.

Stick around, Lover boys and girls, it’s about to get socially uncomfortable.