I am genuinely very sorry for not posting anything for so long. This has been due to a mixture of illness, cancelled dates and a reluctance to write anything when I have no news.

But. You’ve all put your support behind this so well that I am slightly ashamed to have left you hanging.

BUT NO MORE. It’s dates a flippin’ go-go.

By diary now reads like the last days of Rome (you know, when it got all saucy - think Up Pompeii)…

Thursday June 11th - Emma, 1st date
Friday June 12th - Victoria, 2nd date
Tuesday June 16th - Geri, 1st date
Saturday June 20th - Mel, 1st date

9 days, 4 dates, 1 love (for the mother’s pride).

I’ll tell you more about Geri and Mel before the dates themselves. All you need to know is that one of them is Swedish. Finally. 26 years on this earth and I finally get me a Swede.

Tonight, though. Oh tonight. Tonight is Emma. A friend of mine recently looked through my potential Match.com ladies and commented ‘Wouldn’t your blog be more interesting if you were to date someone you don’t actually want to date?’.

Yes it would. So. Meet Emma…

All of Emma’s photos on her profile are taken from a looooooooooong way away. So, she’s a trog. Fine. But in my pursuit of love I understand that beauty is only skin deep. Emma may have a sparkling personality and a kind heart. Emma likes Blue and is delighted they have reunited. Emma is a trog. She also punctuates her emails with the popular acronym LOL (which stands for ‘Laugh Out Loud‘, Mum). If you were to read out Emma’s emails, using the LOL’s as stage directions, they would read like the frantic, incoherent ramblings of a particularly traumatised crackwhore. And. Who’s. To. Say. She’s. Not.

Suffice to say, I am not looking forward to this. I do this for you, dear reader. Report will be posted tomorrow.

In the meantime, chaplets, I have been trawling the millions on Match.com to find more potential victims/dates. And I have found a CORKER.

This lovely lady has conveniently made a list of all the things she wants from a man and all the things she can offer. It first it seems like she’s joking. By about point 6 you realise she is as serious as Jeremy Paxman. It’s all below, for your delectation. Seriously, read it all. Then read it again. Let it sink in. THIS PERSON ACTUALLY EXISTS.

My personal favourites are 'you must not have any mental illnesses and must not sleep more than 8-1o hours a day'. She also describes herself as 'hilarious' and 'good with electronics'. It's a heady mix.

She is not, I repeat, not joking

Enjoy..........


You--

1)Must have a job
2)Must have a good credit score
3)Must not have any mental illnesses
4)Must be ambitious and driven
5)Must have a warm and loving family, but must be able to make decisions dependent from them
6)Actually have plans to separate from your family, live in a separate house(yes their are men who want to still live with their mothers and I have dated them), and have a family of your own some day
7)Must have a car
8)Must have a good social circle and actually be sociable
9)Must like going out of the house
10)Must be responsible
11)Must be organized
12)Must be trustworthy
13)Must have good teeth and go to the dentist regularly
14)Must be in shape and enjoy a healthy lifestyle
15)Must not sleep for more than 8-10 hours a day
16)Must not be in debt
17)Must have clean fingernails
18)Must not have any type of sordid past (including but not limited to pornography)
19)Must have a sense of humour that causes me to fall down, cry, and make my stomach muscles hurt
20)Must be outgoing and confident
21)Must be warm and able to express feelings easily and openly
22)Must be intelligent, witty, and emotionally intelligent
23)Must not be pretentious (i.e. talking for an excessive period of time about a wine's "oaky bouquet" or using 25 cent words when a five cent one will do fine
24)Must impress all people but only care about impressing me
25)Must love shows such as Family Guy, Jon Stewart, Colbert Report, and not make fun of me because I think Oprah is the second coming
26)Must like to talk about why people do what they do, why things are the way they are, etc... I am a psychologist and this is very much a part of me

Me:
Here is what I believe I have to offer:
1)Intelligent ( I have a doctoral degree and own two different start ups)
2)Ambitious, driven, and a self-starter
3)Not a girly girl, so you will rarely get the question "do I look fat in this?"
4)Hillarious, yes I am hillarious and I love to laugh all the time from my belly until I cry
5)Warm and caring
6)Responsible
7)Loyal and honest
8)Introverted until I warm up
9)Spontaneous
10) Open minded
11) candid and frank
12) has a healthy and loving family
13) wants a family of her own some day
14) gets along well with others (I feel like I am describing a breed of dog)
15) flexible, can go with the flow
16) not high maintenance by any means
17) independent, expect my partner to be my equal
18) sarcastic and dry wit
19) good with electronics (I have no idea why this just popped in my head
20) major dance skillz (I know the thriller song by heart)
21) I have had a very diverse and full life and believe that has shaped me to be a very interesting person
22) strong, raised by a single mom, who I watched carry in the christmas tree, light, and decorate on her own for many years
23) conscientious, believes in karma


AHAHAAH!!!!!! I LOVE THIS GIRL.

Inspired by her I have done my own list.

Me:
Here is what I believe I offer:
1)Handsome
2)Great sense of humour
3)Piercing intellect
4)Incredible understanding of women and their needs
5)Sensitive but dominant lover
6)Amazing dress sense
7)Rich and generous
8)Own two houses and 3 cars, as well as a villa in Spain
9)Athletic and sporty but not obsessed with sports
10)Caring and a great listener

You:
1)Big tits.


See you later guys! Gotta go wash my armpits, I'm going on a date!