'I want to be married and have a kid by 2010'

THAT’S REALLY SOON.

Seriously, I have commitment problems to the level that I can no longer even finish a sentence properly. I get off the bus a couple of stops early in case it gets too attached to me. I still count the day I broke up with an ex-girlfriend as the single greatest moment of my life, a moment which filled me with such euphoria that I broke down in tears at the thought that I may never feel such happiness ever again. I nearly got back together with her just so I could do it again. If love’s a drug, it’s going to have to have one hell of a kick to beat that.

2010?! I mean, she knows it’s 2009, right?

This girl doesn’t wear her heart on her sleeve, she wears it on her head as some kind of giant, inflatable hat complete with neon lights and a flashing sign that says ‘This is my heart, this. LOOK AT IT.’

Still. Better than the last date I went on, when the girl was already hammered by the time I turned up (that means YOU, Kinga).

So, you’re never going to see her again, yeah?

Oh, if only life were that simple…


DATE NUMBER ONE - 31/05/09

Names changed, locations vague.

First point is a general one. Might seem obvious but it hadn’t crossed my mind. I do not mean this in a positive or a negative way - she wasn’t the person I thought she was. We’d exchanged emails for a couple of weeks, I had a very firm idea of her in my head. And she turned out to be a different person. But oddly familiar.

It’s the same feeling you get when you go to New York for the first time (or so they say). You’ve seen it so many times in the movies that it seems at the same time very familiar yet weirdly alien. It’s both what you expected and not.

She, let’s call her Victoria, looked like the girl in the photo and had many of the personality traits that my imaginary Victoria had. But it wasn’t her. Neither for better nor worse, she was a different person. Seriously, even now I can’t quite think of her as being the same girl I was emailing. This is not necessarily a bad thing but it is very, very disconcerting.

So. You wanted it to be a disaster, didn’t you? You wanted her to be some kind of shrieking harridan that would send me feeling into the night. I know you. And I don’t blame you.

We met in a famous geographical area in glorious sunshine. And there’s the first problem. The Meeting. What to do upon the meet? A kiss on the cheek? Is that too much? A firm handshake, perhaps. No, no, that’s slightly mental. A high-five? Punch her in the face and throw her in the river? I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. So I stood there. And there we stood for what seemed like the best part of a lifetime. Just standing. Arms fixed firmly by our sides like two cowboys in a shootout, waiting for the other one to flinch first. A huge, embarrassing Mexican stand-off. So. I just stood their like a pilchard. Still, didn’t punch her in the face. Which is a massive bonus.

And then after that, sorry to disappoint, it went like a normal first date really. We had a drink, we had dinner, we had another drink, and then another. Oh and another. Then we missed a train. So had another drink and… To be honest, we got shitfaced.

But that’s fine. It’s ok as long as you get drunk at the same time (KINGA).

So, apart from getting hammered, it was fairly unremarkable. We can’t really dissect the evening, so let’s dissect her instead. Ooh, ooh, let’s play good points/bad points! I’ll stop short of giving her a mark out of ten (or will I? yeah, probably).


VICTORIA’S GOOD BITS

1) I’m trying not be a looks fascist BUT she is attractive and, you know, that helps.
2) She is very funny.
3) We got on like a house on fire (is that good? I think it is)
4) She quickly pointed out that my favourite word was a certain four-letter one beginning with ‘C’ (cunt).
5) It’s not very funny listing the good bits is it? She’s got more but you don’t want to hear this do you? Oh very well, we’ll skip to the bad bits. Honestly, you make me sick.


VICTORIA’S BAD BITS (this is what you’re here for, you sadists)

1) She wants to be married and have a child by 2010.
2) WHICH IS REALLY SOON.
3) So, you get the idea.
4) In many ways honesty and openness can be virtues. But. Perhaps it’s best to leave a little mystery. You know, at least until the second date.
5) This list thing is falling apart.
6) Let’s stop doing lists.


I am being hard on her. This was one thing she said over a long evening that just slipped out (plus we were firmly on our way to drunk). She told me some very personal things, some very hard things (which I will not divulge, you beasts). Part of me was freaked out by this pouring out of heart, part of me was impressed. As she told me these deeply personal and slightly harrowing things I listened intently and nodded and made noises. I was mainly thinking ‘God, I’m a good listener. I am great. What a great person I am. What did she just say? Doesn’t matter, just keep nodding. Maybe say ‘aaah’. Aaah. God, I’m brilliant.’

We got on well. There’ll be a second date. Sorry this wasn’t very funny. However, in terms of the emotional stakes, has she done too much too soon? Doesn’t take much to send me running for the hills.

You always want what you can’t have. But I don’t think it’s one of those scenarios.

Does that sound vain?

Yes.

Oh well.

So, she managed to trigger my fear of commitment on the first date. But. Hell. I like her.

But I like you guys even more. So. More dates soon, you devils.