In the post below I promised to date anyone Match.com rated me as a 90% match with. I must rectify this. Sadly I am already disappointed, saddened and slightly traumatised by Match.com.
For there are seven, SEVEN, women in London that I match 100% with. That’s all the percents! All of them! How can I Love them all?!
Hold your horses, Pancho Sam. Let’s take a quick look at them first.
But. Gotta date at least one, right? Yeah. But I’ll probably want to date them all. Who am I to argue with statistics? So, here they blimmin’ well are. Grab a wet towel, folks, because it’s going to get HOT in here.
Number One describes herself as an ‘average girl.’ Wild fucking horses couldn’t drag me away from this. Average! PHWOOOAAARRRR. Hold me back! Pass me the wet towel! I cannot reward this with a date. Sorry.
Number Two says her favourite book is ‘Scar Tissue’, the autobiography of former smack addict and self-styled king of slap-funk, Red Hot Chili Pepper lead man Anthony Kiedis. Your favourite book? EVER? Of all the books ever written in the history of writing books? That’s the one? Definitely? Sure? Want to change your mind? No? Magic. No Love to be found here, chums.
Warming to the literary theme Number three says her fave book is Harry Potter. I don’t know which one. I assume she considers all seven to be works of unparalleled genius. Good holy gravy. I’m beginning to suspect Match.com knows nothing. And that most people in London are barely literate. And that I judge people solely on their taste in literature. So. No date for you, matey.
Number Four describes herself as ‘nice’ and lists her interests as ‘music, cinema, going out, cooking, new places’. NO WAY! NO BLOODY WAY! Cos those things are, like, totally what I like doing too! Hey, do you like walking? And sleeping? And breathing? God , I love breathing, I really hope you like breathing too. Oh my god, this could be Love. Jesus…
We’re not doing well so far. 3 more to go. Fingers crossed.
Number Five dresses like a garden gnome. And wears NHS glasses. Not ironically. Going to have to turn this one down.
Number Six gushes that her favourite book is ‘It‘s Not About the Bike’, the autobiography of uni-balled former Tour de France champion and dater of skeletal jailbait Ashley ‘not Mary-Kate’ Olsen, Lance Armstrong. Your favourite book? EVER? Of all the books ever written in the history of writing books? That’s the one? Definitely? Sure? Want to change your mind? No? Just kill me now.
Number Seven sounds like she’d merrily eat my balls for breakfast and would spit on me for being poor. The most important thing to her, she says, is her career. That’s cos she ain’t met me yet. The main thing is she hasn’t listed any shit books. This is it! 100% Love! I’m going to email her.
So this doesn’t say a lot for Match.com’s matchmaking services. But maybe I am being too hard on them. These seven women may well be the seven women of my dreams. Should I date them all? Whaddya think?
On another note, I will now be updating the blog once a week on a Friday and when I have been on a date.
So have a good week, y’all.
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Yo Romeo, keep your options open. for the sake of 'art' I think you should email all of them, and make the decision whether or not to go for drinks based on their messages. Beck x
ReplyDeleteP.S. Do you have a code of ethics for this project, or are you pulling a Max Stafford-Clark? At what point are these girls gonna know they're in your blog? What happens if you find the love of your life and then have to break the news to her that she's part of this experiment? Just wondering... ;)
I'm with you on that one JMB, if only for the comedy value, on the other hand, seven dates with seven girls? You'll be busy possibly bored and most definately skint.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't get too caught up with the literature until you know if they are being ironic or not. I'm thinking not, but when someone asks you what your favorite book is it's not always easy to come up with an answer, for this very reason my facebook info tells my friends that my favorite books are 'The Very Hungry Catapillar' and 'Miffy goes to Beach'. Both are lies, I've never even read 'Miffy goes to the Beach'.
Seven is supposed to be a lucky number, good luck with the date!
Date them all! You can have thrilling conversations about what it's like to be nice, average, and enjoy crap books and generic activities.
ReplyDeleteHi dudes.
ReplyDeletejmb214 - You're right. I should trust the Match. I will be emailing all the 100%ers and hope for luck. And like old Max, I have no ethics whatsoever. They will never know they are part of this.
Lex - The Very Hungry Caterpillar is genuinely one of the greatest works of literature ever. So. Think about what you say.
Ultrafloz - Again, you're right. It would be fascinating (or perhaps not...) to meet someone who describes themselves as average. I mean, how average can one person be? Very, probably.
So what have you put as your favourite book Romeo?
ReplyDelete