I explore but I also negotiate. DATE ME!

Filling out the Match.com profile is like painting a giant naked self-portrait of yourself which will soon be unveiled in Trafalgar Square to thousands of cold unsympathetic eyes. Terrifying. Filling out this profile has had me plumb the depths of my deepest (previously subconscious, so thanks for that) fears and question exactly who I am and what I’m doing with my life.

I did not part with £65 for this. This is not Love. Is it? Is this Love?

So, in other words, my profile isn’t ready yet. I’ll let you know when it is.

Look, it’s difficult, right? Here are the sections and their individual conundrums…

Basics - in this section I have to stipulate what age the women I would like to date are. I’ve put 20-30. I am 26. Have I done the right thing? Am I being ageist? Do I want to date someone barely out of their teens? Do I divide my age by two and add seven? I have also had to admit to being a short weakling with the body of a child. Galling. To be honest. Absolutely galling.

Appearance - Match.com give you the opportunity to list your best feature out of a bizarrely limited list. So, is it my arms, belly button, arse, calves, chest, eyes, feet, hands, hair, legs, lips or neck? Come on people, don’t be shy - I need your opinion. Which one is it? There is an option for ‘none‘. Should you want to choose that. You’ll probably choose that. Thanks a lot.

Interests - I have 1000 words to describe what I like and what I do in my spare time. 1000 words is simultaneously not enough and far too many. This is existential madness. I need help here - how do I not sound like a twat?

Lifestyle - You can list how much you earn here. Is that necessary? Is that important? I earn very little so naturally I have ticked ‘no comment’, which is the same as ticking ‘less than £20,000’ and everyone knows it.

Background/Values - You are given 250 words to talk about your single favourite book but must choose your political leanings from five basic and very broad choices. I can only imagine that this is because Match.com have a simple equation. Books = sexy. Politics = conversation filler. And they’re right.

Express Yourself - the most baffling section. Five utterly unrelated tick box questions, each of which give you no option to ‘express yourself’. One of them is your favourite colour. If you, and by ‘you’ I mean my potential dates on Match.com, are searching with ‘favourite colour’ as one of your requirements then you can fuck right off.

Intro - 4000 words to tell people everything else about yourself. This section has brought me out in a cold sweat. The implications of getting this bit wrong are enormous and depressing. Suggestions would be nice. What could I say to capture people’s imaginations and make them believe I am an interesting yet humble yet intelligent yet exciting yet loving yet mysterious yet funny yet yet yet yet yet yet yet yet yet. YET.

Luckily you don’t have to do everything yourself. PHEW. There’s also Dr Helen Fisher’s personality test. WHO IS SHE? I done it. I am mainly an ‘Explorer’ but also a bit of a ‘Negotiator.’ Good news. Now this is nonsense but what I love about it is that on everyone’s profile is a little bit that says ‘According to Dr Helen Fisher I am an…explorer or whatever’. Brilliant. They should do more of this. ’According to my ex I am emotionally stunted’. ’According to my dad I am a grinding disappointment’. That kind of thing. Keep up, Match.com.