Within six months from now I will be in Love with a woman I am yet to meet.
‘Aaaahh‘, I hear you splutter. ‘You can’t hurry Love‘. This is the propaganda we’re fed. ‘You just have to wait‘. This is what we mutter over and over to ourselves as we get onto buses or eat sandwiches or do whatever else it is we do to fill the time until Love comes along and takes us somewhere nice. Can’t hurry it, nuh-uh. Won’t be hurried. You can tut and look at your watch as much as you like but the fact remains, it won’t move any quicker for you. Especially not you.
Well, in your face The Supremes, because this is the 21st blummin’ Century and we haven’t got time to stand around waiting for love anymore. The pace of living is so speedy we barely have time to change our underwear, so thick and fast do the days come. And this is where Match.com comes in.
6 months. That’s it. That’s all it takes. With Match.com. 6 short months. And Love is yours. Yours! Even you, fatso! Doesn’t matter who you are. Sign up with them and in 6 months you’ll have Love seeping out of your every pore. Guaranteed. And if you don’t, you get 6 more months of misery and dating cretins for FREE. Oh happy, happy days.
So, this is what I am doing. I have signed up. I have parted with money to join Match.com to see if even an unsympathetic misanthrope like me can find love in 6 months. ‘Cos they’ve bloody well guaranteed it and my mum treats me like a leper because I have been single for so long.
Why read my blog? Why is it of any interest to you? Because, come the hell on, you’ve all wondered what it would be like. ‘Oh ha ho’ we say, ‘ Of course, I don’t NEED to join Match.com, oh ho ho no, I can date people whenever I want. I’ve got several people right here on my mobile phone would I could hook up with. But. You know. I’m curious. You know. Bit of fun. Blah blah blah blah blah’. Well, now you can find out what it’s like. I have debased myself so you don’t have to. Don’t thank me. Pity me.
I will chronicle every aspect of the whole process, giving you a blow by blow account of every romantic move I make. From choosing my potential Juliets to the dates themselves. I will often be offensive and I will rarely say anything insightful or helpful.
I will find love in 6 months or my money back.
Please be aware that I believe the chances of this happening are sickeningly low.
But.
It’s love or bust.
Wish me luck.
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Good luck, Romeo, in your quest for Love. In choosing to capitalise the word you seek, are you deifying it? Are you a Love-worshipper? Is this already a mental and subconscious signal that you in fact desire the Love you seem to scorn?
ReplyDeleteEither way, I am sure the ladies of match.com will enjoy meeting you, however unlovable you may claim to be. Fare well.
Thanks, Belgian Waffle. Oh whilst I scorn the Love I am man enough to admit that if Love comes knocking then not only will I open the door but I'll already have the kettle on the boil and some of those Choco Liebnitz biscuits arranged on a small plate.
ReplyDeleteI commend you Romeo, if only for the fact that the offer of 'finding love in your first 6 months or your money back' is, possibly one of the stupidest things I've heard.
ReplyDeleteI have encountered human beings who signed up for match.com who should clearly never be allowed in the gene pool, not even for a paddle and remained, to the best of my knowledge, very single. I can only imagine that they were too embaressed to ask for their hard earned back. Either that or boys and girls across the nation are intrducing their new love as we speak... "Mother, Father, I'd like you to meet my new partner. They have no concept of personal hygine, work part time in a gutter, eat roadkill and answer to the name of Stinky-No-Teeth"
For yourself I hope you do find the L word and all the happiness it (allegedly) brings, if not then I look forward to reading an amusing blog about the perils of internet dating.
Thanks, Lex. I too have had these thoughts, indeed they're probably the basis for what I am doing. But Match.com have 'guaranteed' love and I am holding them to it.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that it is one of the stupidest things ever only adds to its appeal!
Stick with me, Lex. I'm as cynical as you but, hey, we both might end up being surprised.
Bet we won't though...